SAHVIN:

Sahvin, a high school student, is writing an essay.

161 words down… Ugh… I just can’t get to 200 words! What do I even know about quantum fluctuations? Like, they want me to write an essay about quantum fluctuations after reading about it for FIVE minutes?!! They must be crazy! How is Ryan done, anyways? Seriously?! Ryan!? Oh well. I guess I have to keep writing.

Turns his head to the right.

What? They now are telling me to find out the equation for quantum fluctuations?

Slams desk in frustration.

You know what…

He focuses on the desk and starts muttering.

Quantum fluctuations are so, like so cool. I repeat, quantum fluctuations are cool. And by that, I mean when you look at a very cool, a VERY cool quantum fluctuation diagram, it’s just so very cool. Like very cool.

One, two, three…

Mutters more numbers for a few seconds, then fist-pumps with quiet joy.

200! Finally!

Waves to get the teacher’s attention.

Ms. M! I finished my quantum fluctu- no no no sorry I forgot something… Need to add the equations…

Begins scribbling again.

Man… E=MC2… I remember learning about that. Might be the formula for quantum fluctuations… or SM=EC2… 20 apples times 18 humans equals light-speed… two chickens plus eight computers equals future AI…

Looks up and waves again.

Ms. M! I finished my quantum fluctuation essay!

Beat.

Is it good? Like… I wrote a lot of random stuff. Around 160 words of random stuff…

Beat.

Wait what… so I only need 20 words? Who wrote the extra zero?

Beat. Then, he turns to the desk beside him in exasperation.

Oh, of course, Ryan. This is great! Thanks a lot!

Birch:

(Birch is sitting in his cat room, the clover lies under his leaf bed).

My town is in ruins! All of the dens have been torn into pieces of straw, the merciless tsunami didn’t need to do that! It broke down everything and we have to build a whole town over again with just our bare paws! Bare paws…and I’m in charge. I’m not even—I’m not even as good as Raven, Raven who gave me this town because he thought I might be good at leading it, but, the thing is, I’m not a good leader. I don’t make good choices, such as the one I just did…stealing Raven’s clover…

(starts pacing in his own room)

Why did I take the clover?! Raven is going to scratch me if he found out that it was me, his most trusted friend, who stole his most prized treasure.

(Birch glares at his clover guiltily, unsure of what to do. He turned to his favourite stuffie).

Why!? Why couldn't I just ask Raven to borrow it? Why am I such a horrible friend? Why couldn’t I just tell the truth? Raven gave me this spot of land because he thought I was a good friend. But I actually wasn’t! Why did I steal the clover?

Let’s just say I return the clover. But my town’s cats will kick me out! They think I’m a great hero, rescuing this miraculous clover from the Cave of Clovers, but it was actually the Great King Raven. They’re going to think I’m a liar who only tells lies, and they’ll never believe in me again!

On the other hand, if I didn’t take the clover, my whole town would die! Lies. Lies. Lies. Why did I surround myself with lies?

I take everything from Raven, but I never give anything back. Why am I such a horrible cat? (pause)

But do I have any choice, really? If I give it back, Raven will take back this village and make me an exile. If I didn’t give back the clover and someone figured it out, then I’m doomed.

I think I’ll stick to the original plan. I must keep the clover with me. No one will know anyways.

(hears a sudden noise off-stage, spots a pair of yellow eyes)

Who’s there?

LUNA stumbles onstage.

LUNA: Hey! Stop! Don’t do that! You know it’s rude pushing people into random airplanes, right! Oh sure, don’t worry about me! Man, I have the worst luck ever! First, we got lost in the airport and now I’m stuck in an airplane cockpit ’cause my stupid, jealous step-sister pushed me in here! Hey, this is so cool! Look at the buttons! So round! So shiny! I think I’ll just press one button. I swear. I cross my heart.

Beep!

Oh, the door’s closed! I’ll press it again.

Beep!

Oh, it opened! Hmmm… what about this one?

Beep!

Interesting! The airbags popped out. What about this one?

Beep!

Hmmm….

Beep beep beep beep! Alarm rings!

Uh-oh… oh no. This is bad. Not just bad. I mean really, really, really, really bad! I’ll try to turn it off. Oooopsies! It got louder! Oh no! Footsteps! I’ll hide.

Somebody grabs her arm.

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! My step-sister pushed me in here and–

She hears the pilot and the security guard say they could adopt her.

OMG! Yes! I love flying and buttons! When I grow up, I’ll be a pilot too. Oh… more footsteps… It’s my foster family. Hi, mom. Hi, sister Karen. Let me deal with this, Miss Pilot! I’M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE ME BACK, MOM! You want to know why? Because… wait for it… wait for it… drumroll please…. THIS STUPID STEP-SISTER SHOVED ME INTO THIS PLANE! She almost gave me a gash! You heard that? A gash! No, not a cut! What is wrong with your ears? Do you need to clean your ears? A GASH! Let me show you my scratches, and I don’t want to tell you. Why I don’t want to tell you? Because I want you to know how serious this is.

Shows them the scratches.

Oh, and this one is still bleeding. No–this one and this one and THIS ONE are too! Oh, and by the way, that freaking PhD you wanted me to earn! I’m not doing it! No, I’m not! I’m going to be a pilot. No, I AM going to be a pilot. You don’t get to make my life decisions! You’re not even my biological parent. What if you were? Nah, I used to wonder that same thing, but I took a DNA test and I’ll just say it wasn’t the same. Hmmm, how did I do that? Easy. I just took a strand of your hair a few years ago. You were snoring like a bear. You didn’t even notice a single thing. Also, I’m getting readopted by these nice people!

Nods at the pilot and security guard and exits with them.

So long, people!

GRAY:

Oh my god, what a great night to go trick or treating! I love Halloween, and check out this big candy haul! What was your favourite house we went to tonight?

[Beat.]

Really? Yeah, okay that house with all those zombies, that was a good house. My favourite was the one that had vampires hanging off the roof and the person pretending to be a statue holding a knife in the front yard!

[Beat.]

Oh, you were scared at that house? I wasn’t at all, nothing scared me tonight.

Let’s dump out our bags and see what treats we got. Check out these jumbo candy bars, they are as big as a water bottle! Oh Swedish berries, love those! And Swedish fish, so good! I definitely got the most Smarties this year, even though I don’t really want them.

[Beat.]

Oh you like Smarties? Wanna trade for some Coffee Crisps? Great! That’s a good deal.

[Sorts through a big pile of candy.]

What is this thing moving at the bottom of my pile? It looks kind of chewy. Ew, it’s slimy though. And squishy. And it doesn’t smell good at all. Is this… is this what I think it is!? A squid!? AHHHHHHHHHHH!!

[Throws the squid across the room.]

Do you have one in your pile too? NO? Just me?!??? Now I have to throw away all my candy cause it’s covered in squid juice! Blech! I guess I am scared of something after all.

Evan the white Blood Cell:

Oh My Gosh! This is so frustrating! This human- ARGH!

Oh! I’m sorry, hello there. My name is Evan and I am a white blood cell. That’s right. And if you were wondering… well, what I was yelling about. I MEAN, YOU WOULD! This stupid human being keeps getting sick! Well, no wonder! Eating chips and candies and drinking coke all day while sitting in front of a television, smoking, and he doesn’t even get 3 hours of sleep every 24 hours! It’s just screens, screens, screens, first phone, then I-pad, then computer, then television! All DAY LONG!

Blah! Is he trying to get me and everyone else in his body killed? He really should be thankful he has ME, or he probably would’ve been dead decades ago! Seriously! I’m tired of this. I’ve only been working for 36 years and I’ve already had enough! I heard other human body’s are not like this. Maybe if I just sit here and wait for him to die and then move to another body. Yeah, well, I guess that actually won’t even work because there are billions upon billions of white blood cells in this body, and I’m only one of them. So maybe I’ll just relax by MYSELF. Ah…

YAAAA! VIRUS INCOMING! SORRY! I’LL BE BACK IN A SECOND!

(runs off stage to take care of the virus)

Well, phew! I guess that took a bit longer than I expected! My apologies! Well, you know, it’s my job to go fight the viruses that attack this body.. I can’t help it! My family keeps telling me to enjoy my life in this body, and that other white blood cells have nothing to do at all, and that I SHOULD ACTUALLY BE THANKFUL THAT I’M HERE. I don’t think so. I’d rather sit around and do nothing! UGH! I mean, if the person is healthy, they don’t have to fight for healthy food, or breathe in bad air because the human’s lungs aren’t working because he’s smoking.

I HATE THIS! Oh! I didn’t realize the time! Nervous system telling me that my little chat with you is over!

I’M SO SAD!!! PLEASE COME BACK SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(runs away sobbing)