Rebecca:

(to the audience)

I would say it’s kinda lame fighting a dragon because that means I always have my head in the clouds. BUT I REALLY SAW A DRAGON AND FOUGHT IT! Let me just say this…: I was just taking a nice bike ride when I stumbled upon a VERY big cave.

(fourth wall back up. Walk backstage.)

This cave looks intriguing (beat) I just HAVE to know what is in there. (walk back on stage. Look at the cave treasures. ) Oooh (hears a growl) Is that a scary and nasty growl I hear, or a snore? (looks around) Nah, nothing in this cave but me. Oh I wonder what’s in that chest right there? (kneel at the treasure chest, try to open it) Oh man. (look around for something to break open the treasure chest. Finds a sword) Oooh a SWORD!!! Maybe that will break open the treasure chest! (Bangs the treasure chest with the sword) (hears the growl again, dismisses it, finally opens the chess, finds crystals and gold!) I’m going to be rich! (to distracted with the the treasure and drops the sword, really hears the growl now!) Yah, No, that was NOT a snore. Please, please don’t be a dragon or a monster! (trembles, then dragon walks in, but it is tiny, relieved) (laughs, point and say ) You are tiny! You are not going to do me any harm. (dragon growls - Rebecca screams, runs in circles around the cave) Don’t touch me you nasty dragon! (hides behind a bow and arrow, throws it at the dragon, blinks and rubs eyes) Get away from me you dragon! (throws tacos from backpack, dragon ignores and walks away) Did you just walk away from the tacos!? Dragons Love tacos! (get closer to the dragon, dragon snaps at you, you run away, run off stage, get on the stage from the front) (To audience) I marched my way back home until I realized that I forgot my bike and the backpack with all my snacks in it! (slaps forehead) Oh well, I’ll just beg for MORE snacks and a new bike. (I promise not to leave it in the woods and let a dragon steal it).

[The knight is sitting on his horse—which is really a backward-facing chair they are straddling.]

Greetings! I am Sir Bob, the greatest, bravest knight you have ever seen! I have fallen from castle walls! I was so brave, a dragon laughed itself to death! Watch my sword moves!

[The knight swing their sword around and drops it on the ground. Look embarrassed at the audience.]

Oops! My sword is in the river. Come on, Great! Come on, horsie! Let’s go get that sword!

[The knight fumbles and falls off of the horse.]

Ouch! Oh no! My butt! Come on, Great! Why did you do that? Well, at least I can look for my sword now.

[Starts looking for his sword.]

There it is! In the river? I guess my feet are getting wet… [He wades a few steps into the river, and slips. SPLASH! Sitting on his butt…]

Oh no! All of me is wet! My armor is going to rust! SIGH. I guess I’m not much of a knight. Time to go back to Knight School.

[Stands and picks up sword. Take a few steps toward Knight School and trips again.]

Forget it. I don’t want to go to Knight School. I just want to go home.

THE END.

(Ulla has been traveling for three years looking for the Lunar Lion. She learns of an old man who might know the secret. At a small cabin in the grassy lands)

Ulla:

Hello, I am Ulla, I have been looking for Vincent Van Gover? Are you him?

If you were, you are too famous for life, and if you didn’t want me to bother you, you would say you were not.

(Ulla shows her phone with his picture on it)

Well I don’t think so. This picture on my phone clearly shows the face right in front of me. I have been looking for you for a very long time. I have a beginnings bell (beat) and if I ring it, it will make all of the Lunar Lions come to me. What if I ring this very special bell right now? (mimes ringing the bell) Will we both come out alive? (takes out a fake bell and rings it, Vincent take out his harmonica)

Ha! I knew it! Are you the wise old man that had tamed a Lunar Lion! You play a happy song on your harmonica and all the lions act like kittens.

(confused)

No?!

Okay now you're making me frustrated if you don’t tell the truth right now you are going to make me mad, okay?!

I really thought you were (sits on the ground) I failed so badly, I feel so stupid right now. I guess I’m a fake, I suck at my job, and even my beginnings bell is a fake. What am I supposed to do now? (Cries) I’m a failure. I’ve been lying to everyone, I have been so toxic.

(stops crying)

I’m sorry for being mean to you. I’ll just stop and go back home and think how I can become better.

(She goes to leave, but is interrupted by the man)

Oh thank you! Oh thank you! You are too kind to me. Thank you for giving me everything I will need to find the Lunar Lion with, and for your beautiful harmonica. You are the kindest man.

(Jack wants to bake a cake for his sister’s birthday but he doesn’t know how to)

JACK:

Today is Thursday, February 9 it is Mia's birthday. Mia is my little sister. Mom took her for a playdate and I only have three hours to figure out what to get her for a present. I could make her a card, ehh, not good enough, hmmm maybe I can do her chores for her! Well but she doesn’t have that many so it won't be good enough either. OH! I know! I can bake her a birthday cake. She loves chocolate icing and rainbow sprinkles. I’ve never really made a cake before, and today is going to be my first time baking one, it's not that hard, I think. I've seen mom do it all the time for my Birthdays. I better not mess it up!

(looks at the recipe)

Ok it looks like I have to add flour first. Hmmm how much? How much? I can’t really see through. It says cups, let me find the biggest mug in the cupboard. Here, this is going to work. (gets a giant mug and measures out the flour) Perfect. Now we add eggs, milk and sugar. Three eggs. Hmmm it says smudge cups of milk, I guess this mug will have to do again. Let’s add two cups of milk. And finally sugar. Let me see this smudge kind of tasted like brownies. Mix, mix, mix. Hmmm, looks ready to bake!

(waits around)

Smells good, actually smells like burnt stuff. (run and open the oven) OMG! The cake is completely burnt! (Exhale) I guess I’ll have to get a cake from the store.

“AHHH! It’s a snow monster!!! He’s going to eat us! Run for your life!”

That’s what they always say. I try to run after them and tell them I’m friendly, but nothing really works.

So you think you know something about Yetis?

They’re mean, scary and dangerous.

They’re big and hairy with large snow-shoe like feet. Perfect for running in snow and catching kids.

That demonic roar! Oh, and the red piercing eyes!

Those sharp teeth? PERFECT for eating little kids. They make a tasty treat!

But in reality, we Yetis aren’t like that at all.

We love to learn just like other kids. My favorite subject is math. There are really cool symbols like square root, Pi, and theta. Fun fact: Pi is infinite and has been calculated to more than 22 trillion digits!

We love to sing just like other kids. My favorite song is “Video killed the Radio STar”. I was hooked when I listened to the song with Mommy Yeti. Fun fact: This was the first music video on MTV!

We love to play just like other kids. My favourite game is hide and seek. Being “it” is the best because it’s so exciting to find someone. Fun fact: There is even an international hide and seek competition!

Sigh, but no one wants to play with me. Why doesn’t anyone like me?

When it comes to Yetis, we actually feel really lonely and excluded.

Talk about being misunderstood.

I am so done. Done. DONE WITH BEING JUDGED!!!

SAHVIN:

Sahvin, a high school student, is writing an essay.

161 words down… Ugh… I just can’t get to 200 words! What do I even know about quantum fluctuations? Like, they want me to write an essay about quantum fluctuations after reading about it for FIVE minutes?!! They must be crazy! How is Ryan done, anyways? Seriously?! Ryan!? Oh well. I guess I have to keep writing.

Turns his head to the right.

What? They now are telling me to find out the equation for quantum fluctuations?

Slams desk in frustration.

You know what…

He focuses on the desk and starts muttering.

Quantum fluctuations are so, like so cool. I repeat, quantum fluctuations are cool. And by that, I mean when you look at a very cool, a VERY cool quantum fluctuation diagram, it’s just so very cool. Like very cool.

One, two, three…

Mutters more numbers for a few seconds, then fist-pumps with quiet joy.

200! Finally!

Waves to get the teacher’s attention.

Ms. M! I finished my quantum fluctu- no no no sorry I forgot something… Need to add the equations…

Begins scribbling again.

Man… E=MC2… I remember learning about that. Might be the formula for quantum fluctuations… or SM=EC2… 20 apples times 18 humans equals light-speed… two chickens plus eight computers equals future AI…

Looks up and waves again.

Ms. M! I finished my quantum fluctuation essay!

Beat.

Is it good? Like… I wrote a lot of random stuff. Around 160 words of random stuff…

Beat.

Wait what… so I only need 20 words? Who wrote the extra zero?

Beat. Then, he turns to the desk beside him in exasperation.

Oh, of course, Ryan. This is great! Thanks a lot!

Birch:

(Birch is sitting in his cat room, the clover lies under his leaf bed).

My town is in ruins! All of the dens have been torn into pieces of straw, the merciless tsunami didn’t need to do that! It broke down everything and we have to build a whole town over again with just our bare paws! Bare paws…and I’m in charge. I’m not even—I’m not even as good as Raven, Raven who gave me this town because he thought I might be good at leading it, but, the thing is, I’m not a good leader. I don’t make good choices, such as the one I just did…stealing Raven’s clover…

(starts pacing in his own room)

Why did I take the clover?! Raven is going to scratch me if he found out that it was me, his most trusted friend, who stole his most prized treasure.

(Birch glares at his clover guiltily, unsure of what to do. He turned to his favourite stuffie).

Why!? Why couldn't I just ask Raven to borrow it? Why am I such a horrible friend? Why couldn’t I just tell the truth? Raven gave me this spot of land because he thought I was a good friend. But I actually wasn’t! Why did I steal the clover?

Let’s just say I return the clover. But my town’s cats will kick me out! They think I’m a great hero, rescuing this miraculous clover from the Cave of Clovers, but it was actually the Great King Raven. They’re going to think I’m a liar who only tells lies, and they’ll never believe in me again!

On the other hand, if I didn’t take the clover, my whole town would die! Lies. Lies. Lies. Why did I surround myself with lies?

I take everything from Raven, but I never give anything back. Why am I such a horrible cat? (pause)

But do I have any choice, really? If I give it back, Raven will take back this village and make me an exile. If I didn’t give back the clover and someone figured it out, then I’m doomed.

I think I’ll stick to the original plan. I must keep the clover with me. No one will know anyways.

(hears a sudden noise off-stage, spots a pair of yellow eyes)

Who’s there?

LUNA stumbles onstage.

LUNA: Hey! Stop! Don’t do that! You know it’s rude pushing people into random airplanes, right! Oh sure, don’t worry about me! Man, I have the worst luck ever! First, we got lost in the airport and now I’m stuck in an airplane cockpit ’cause my stupid, jealous step-sister pushed me in here! Hey, this is so cool! Look at the buttons! So round! So shiny! I think I’ll just press one button. I swear. I cross my heart.

Beep!

Oh, the door’s closed! I’ll press it again.

Beep!

Oh, it opened! Hmmm… what about this one?

Beep!

Interesting! The airbags popped out. What about this one?

Beep!

Hmmm….

Beep beep beep beep! Alarm rings!

Uh-oh… oh no. This is bad. Not just bad. I mean really, really, really, really bad! I’ll try to turn it off. Oooopsies! It got louder! Oh no! Footsteps! I’ll hide.

Somebody grabs her arm.

Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! My step-sister pushed me in here and–

She hears the pilot and the security guard say they could adopt her.

OMG! Yes! I love flying and buttons! When I grow up, I’ll be a pilot too. Oh… more footsteps… It’s my foster family. Hi, mom. Hi, sister Karen. Let me deal with this, Miss Pilot! I’M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE ME BACK, MOM! You want to know why? Because… wait for it… wait for it… drumroll please…. THIS STUPID STEP-SISTER SHOVED ME INTO THIS PLANE! She almost gave me a gash! You heard that? A gash! No, not a cut! What is wrong with your ears? Do you need to clean your ears? A GASH! Let me show you my scratches, and I don’t want to tell you. Why I don’t want to tell you? Because I want you to know how serious this is.

Shows them the scratches.

Oh, and this one is still bleeding. No–this one and this one and THIS ONE are too! Oh, and by the way, that freaking PhD you wanted me to earn! I’m not doing it! No, I’m not! I’m going to be a pilot. No, I AM going to be a pilot. You don’t get to make my life decisions! You’re not even my biological parent. What if you were? Nah, I used to wonder that same thing, but I took a DNA test and I’ll just say it wasn’t the same. Hmmm, how did I do that? Easy. I just took a strand of your hair a few years ago. You were snoring like a bear. You didn’t even notice a single thing. Also, I’m getting readopted by these nice people!

Nods at the pilot and security guard and exits with them.

So long, people!

GRAY:

Oh my god, what a great night to go trick or treating! I love Halloween, and check out this big candy haul! What was your favourite house we went to tonight?

[Beat.]

Really? Yeah, okay that house with all those zombies, that was a good house. My favourite was the one that had vampires hanging off the roof and the person pretending to be a statue holding a knife in the front yard!

[Beat.]

Oh, you were scared at that house? I wasn’t at all, nothing scared me tonight.

Let’s dump out our bags and see what treats we got. Check out these jumbo candy bars, they are as big as a water bottle! Oh Swedish berries, love those! And Swedish fish, so good! I definitely got the most Smarties this year, even though I don’t really want them.

[Beat.]

Oh you like Smarties? Wanna trade for some Coffee Crisps? Great! That’s a good deal.

[Sorts through a big pile of candy.]

What is this thing moving at the bottom of my pile? It looks kind of chewy. Ew, it’s slimy though. And squishy. And it doesn’t smell good at all. Is this… is this what I think it is!? A squid!? AHHHHHHHHHHH!!

[Throws the squid across the room.]

Do you have one in your pile too? NO? Just me?!??? Now I have to throw away all my candy cause it’s covered in squid juice! Blech! I guess I am scared of something after all.

Evan the white Blood Cell:

Oh My Gosh! This is so frustrating! This human- ARGH!

Oh! I’m sorry, hello there. My name is Evan and I am a white blood cell. That’s right. And if you were wondering… well, what I was yelling about. I MEAN, YOU WOULD! This stupid human being keeps getting sick! Well, no wonder! Eating chips and candies and drinking coke all day while sitting in front of a television, smoking, and he doesn’t even get 3 hours of sleep every 24 hours! It’s just screens, screens, screens, first phone, then I-pad, then computer, then television! All DAY LONG!

Blah! Is he trying to get me and everyone else in his body killed? He really should be thankful he has ME, or he probably would’ve been dead decades ago! Seriously! I’m tired of this. I’ve only been working for 36 years and I’ve already had enough! I heard other human body’s are not like this. Maybe if I just sit here and wait for him to die and then move to another body. Yeah, well, I guess that actually won’t even work because there are billions upon billions of white blood cells in this body, and I’m only one of them. So maybe I’ll just relax by MYSELF. Ah…

YAAAA! VIRUS INCOMING! SORRY! I’LL BE BACK IN A SECOND!

(runs off stage to take care of the virus)

Well, phew! I guess that took a bit longer than I expected! My apologies! Well, you know, it’s my job to go fight the viruses that attack this body.. I can’t help it! My family keeps telling me to enjoy my life in this body, and that other white blood cells have nothing to do at all, and that I SHOULD ACTUALLY BE THANKFUL THAT I’M HERE. I don’t think so. I’d rather sit around and do nothing! UGH! I mean, if the person is healthy, they don’t have to fight for healthy food, or breathe in bad air because the human’s lungs aren’t working because he’s smoking.

I HATE THIS! Oh! I didn’t realize the time! Nervous system telling me that my little chat with you is over!

I’M SO SAD!!! PLEASE COME BACK SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(runs away sobbing)

CW: The following soliloquy addresses the experience of bullying victims, implying sexual molessing and predatory actions, and includes derogatory and sexist language; it is not suitable for all audiences.

[Author’s note]: Umbra is the scientific term for the inner shadow found during a common eclipse, and often appears as a never-ending hole of infinite, vacuum, darkness. Here it is used to describe the character’s complex emotions of despair and frustration.

Rushes home from school to read dreaded report card comments.

[Sighs] This is no big deal is it? Just gonna casually face other’s judgementality…

Opens envelope. Deflates.

Homeroom:

Ciara is an excellent student and a joy to have in homeroom class. However, she seems to lack an interest in social gatherings and activities, and should partake in school athletics in order to branch out.

Puts paper down. Thinks.

[Tries to force a laugh]: The last time I showed up at a school event, the whole class started coughing:

[coughs]: Sorry I’m allergic to whores.

Allergic. To. Whores.

Sighs. Picks up paper again, reads the next line.

English:

Ciara is exceeding expectations with regards to work habits, however, she has a difficult time abiding to book recommendations from both teachers and librarians, refusing to read age-appropriate content and creating a negative influence on her peers.

Struggles a bit to put paper down. Thinks.

[Staggered breathing]: It’s not mentioned that I left school once not on a bus, but on an ambulance, due to the panic attack she gave me for reading All the Light We Cannot See. [Sarcastically]: Because seeing a classmate leave on life support has such a positive impact on the school community.

Sighs. Picks up paper again, reads the next line.

Math:

In Math 7, Ciara has worked well when collaborating, but should work on seeking out help when necessary. For example, she repeatedly declined one-on-one extra help sessions when offered during our Algebra unit and proceeded to struggle with quizzes and tests.

Really struggles to put paper down. Thinks.

He…leaves out the fact that he once barged into our girls-only dormitory during a service trip, sat down on the couch and. Watched. Us. Change.

Silence.

Sometimes, the words they use to define and label and limit us by…sometimes, the words seep in. They become these voices inside your head chanting: you are not enough…you never will be…and you will always be alone. They are there when I make breakfast; they are there when I eat it; and still later; when I'm doing the dishes. They. Are still. There. They are ALWAYS there!!!

[stands up, rips report cards, throws it across stage, runs over in fury and stamps on it, makes fists, collapse in a heap, continues tantrum for approximately 11.7 seconds before somewhat regaining composure]

So what, exactly, do I do? I crouch in a corner of my little world with a pen [grabs pen, uncaps it] and a notepad [position pen and notepad as if to begin writing], and I write. A monologue. It’s called: Umbra.

[Setting: A living room with a couch, a TV, and a coffee table]

[Character: Bob, a middle-aged man in his pyjamas, sitting on the couch, holding a remote control]

Bob: [Talking to himself.]

I can't believe she did this to me. After twenty years of marriage, she just up and leaves. And for who? A yoga instructor? I mean, c’mon! I'm a catch! I mean, I may not have a six-pack, but I have a keg. [Trying to reassure himself.] And that's just as good. If not better.

[Pauses, turns on the TV, flips through channels]

Oh great, the Kardashians. Just what I need to cheer me up. I mean, they have everything: fame, money, beauty. And what do I have? A receding hairline, a beer gut, and a pile of unpaid bills.

[Pauses, stares at the TV, continues to flip through channels.]

Wait a minute, what is this? "The World's Strongest Man Competition"? Now, that's something I can get behind. These guys are real men. Look at them! They’re lifting cars! Pulling airplanes! That guy is carrying refrigerators up stairs. Wow! And I can barely lift a bag of groceries.

[Stands up, flexes his muscles.]

But you know what? I can do this. Yeah! Who needs her? I can be the world's strongest man, and then she’ll be sorry! I'll start with this couch. [Grunts, tries to lift the couch.] Hnnnnnhhhhnnnh! Come on, you stupid piece of furniture! [Grunts, tries again.] Okay, maybe not the couch. How about the remote? [He pumps the remote control like a barbell.] Feel the burn! Change the channel!

This is my starting point. I’ll conquer my body, and then, I'll conquer the world!

[Pauses, stares at the remote. Slumps and sighs.]

Or maybe I'll just order a pizza and watch some more Kardashians. Yeah, that sounds like a better plan. Who needs her when you have pizza?

[Bob sits back down on the couch and turns up the volume on the TV.]

Lady Tremaine:

Everyone knows me as Lady Tremaine. Cinderella's evil stepmother. And okay, okay, I'll admit, my methods were a bit heretical for raising children, but face it, would you be able to run a whole household with three ungrateful brats? After you’ve heard the attitude, seen the eye-rolls, touched the day-old, crusted up gel in their hair from late nights, and no showers, it's the least you can do to not scream. For once parents, see that I’m not evil. I’m really not. When children think of me, they just cower in fear. Honestly, I’m glad that my reputation for being strict has gotten out into this mundane world, but “evil” doesn’t suit me. Another thing, I bet every rascal child with a sibling has asked their parents who the favourite child is. If you have said you didn’t have a favorite, I guess that that might be true. But, parents, you would be lying if you said that you didn’t have a least favourite. Would you like to know who mine is? Actually, you probably already know. Ella, you know her as ‘Cinderella’ though. No, I don’t use her as slave labour but yes, I do force her to clean the chimneys in our house. Once though, only once. Anastasia was invited to a school dance and was told to bring one guest. Making the obvious choice, she chose Drizella over Ella. Infuriated that she wasn’t chosen, Ella snuck out of the house. Oh, by the way, from this point on, this is a recounting of the story by Anastasia. So, Anastasia went to the party dressed in a beautiful green dress. Ella, always trying to one-up her sister, dressed in a beautiful baby-blue dress. Truthfully, we would never have gotten into this predicament if Anastasia had worn any other dress then her green one. You know, the colour green is notoriously single. Why? Because it’s so jaded. Yes, go on, you can laugh. So, if Anastasia had a date, Drizella would never have been invited and Ella would have never gotten jealous enough to sneak out of the house. I won’t say what happened next, as you already know what happened, but instead, let you decide how this tale ends.

Now, I hope you can see I’m not evil. I just have kids.

I'm so sorry, sir, (bending down to clean up the shattered glass) I am so clumsy, let me get you another glass of champagne and help you clean it off your suit. Is there a place where I can put this down, your office perhaps? Here let me just dab some club soda on it. My dad always said that you can get any stain off with club soda. (looks around the room sees katana swords) You have great taste sir.

Do you collect for business or pleasure?

I couldn't help but notice you keep your swords uncovered. How come?

May I? (Picks up her father sword) My father was a collector and I swear he had something very similar to this piece. It’s very cold. Strange, my fathers sword used to have a nick on his blade too. (looks closer) Well look at that, just like I remembered. Don’t look so surprised. What did you think, your actions have consequences.

(poisoned he staggers and falls, she props him to sit up)

Ironic isn't it? (raising the sword) How the tables turned, you really are a portrait of pure evil, a face that haunts my every nightmare. This is quite fitting, being slaughtered in your own home, the nostalgia. The same home where you plotted and schemed your way through countless atrocities.

(he tries to make a noise)

Good old club soda, not only great for cleaning stains, but an amazing paralytic solvent. Ohhh don’t cry! (approaching him) You really are an ugly crier, I can feel the fear etched into every crease of your face. I feel nothing but pure hatred towards you. You do remember the little girl whose life you destroyed? (beat) Of course not. To you, it was just another job, another life to end without remorse. You took my father from me! You shaped my entire life with the trauma you inflicted upon me. (beat) And now, it's time for justice to be served. (slowly driving the sword into his chest) It’s over now, you will never harm anyone, ever again. (wiping his blood off against his face).

I am so tired of people calling me someone who was saved by the prince. Like seriously, do they even understand what I went through? So hi, my name is Cinderella, and I guess you’ve probably heard of me before. You know, the girl who had an abusive stepmom and step sisters? Yep, that’s me. Well, it would be me, if people actually wrote the story correctly. And since they didn’t, I’m here to correct them.

So, to start with, yes. My parents did unfortunately pass away when I was young. However, my stepmom and step-siblings weren’t evil or abusive at all. And I most certainly did not live in an attic. I guess those people just added that part to make it seem more depressing and to include some drama. In reality, my stepmom was super supportive, my sisters were my best friends and my brother often cared for me even when he was busy. Yes, you heard me right, my brother. I have three siblings and one of them is a male. Surprise, right? I was actually quite a sick child—that’s why I didn’t go outside or interact much, not because I was trapped inside the house—and needed constant care. Instead of being forced to do chores all day, I in fact was often constrained to my bed or the house from a lack of energy.

And yes, that’s why I was late to the ball. Not because my sister ripped my dress or my stepmom banned me. We just weren’t sure I should go because of my weak composition. But I managed to convince my brother in the end. The only thing the story actually got right was the fact that I left at midnight (oh, and the fact that I designed my dress), but I definitely did not dance with the prince, lose a shoe and then run out. I left at midnight because I was feeling tired. That’s it. There was no romantic declaration to find the girl with the shoe, or any pumpkins or fairy godmother. I don’t even know where people get those ideas from. Like c’mon, magic? Seriously?

Now, to address the question you guys are all probably—or not—waiting for. Did I actually marry the prince??? Wellllll—dun dun dun—no. Yeah, the most important part of my story didn’t even happen. Like, bro. Anyway, so who did marry the prince? Well, that would be my beautiful eldest sister—Zaliana (for your info, she is super pretty—even objectively—I don't know where all the “Cinderella’s sisters are ugly” came from.) The prince and her are happily married with two beautiful children, meanwhile, I’m blissfully single (with a great job as a dress designer by the way) with no thought of change.

So yeah, that’s my story. Very different, right? It’s probably not what you expected. There was no sob story at all and I didn’t get saved by a prince. I get along great with my family and have an amazing job. The end. Bye.

Expedition Log #354: Whoop-de-do. We did it. Pop the champagne I guess, if we even have champagne down here. Anyway, my crew and I have done it. After ‘tireless,’ ‘brave’ efforts, we reached the research base. Won’t daddy be proud. Ugh. We are here to join the crew at the base to see if there are traces of a ‘legendary’ creature rumored to be trapped beneath the ice here. This was a great family obsession for generations, and I, Dr. [redacted], am only here to see the legend through. Why I agreed to this, I do not know. For now, I will do the best I can do and analyze any samples they bring into the lab. I should have just spent my time elsewhere… may not pay as well but sure is warmer…

Expedition Log #992: It has been quite an… eventful week, to say the least. Of the three years I have been at the outpost, there has been nothing quite like this. Sure, we find the occasional unidentified amoeba, but nothing like this. No, this time, we found actual tissue samples. Concrete evidence that something lies beneath the ice… and that my father is right… GOD! The samples we uncovered have DNA unlike anything we’ve seen before. An entirely new species! I was, of course, um… skeptical about the expedition, but this, this proves everything. God I HATE that my father was right! In any case, we shall continue the excavations and see what else we find.

Expedition Log #948: There has been some… startling news. We have recently found out the tissue samples we took weeks ago are actually alive. Alive! That means that whatever it came from, we might be able to recreate it! Better yet, it might still be alive, frozen in ice. If we continue the expeditions, we may find it yet!

Expedition Log #1005: There is nothing quite like it. It is magnificent. One lucky expedition crew had been digging in the right spot, when suddenly, the ice around them gave way. Oh, they were sure they were going to die. But they didn’t. And how lucky they didn’t. The ice uncovered a gargantuan beast trapped in the ice. Shaped like a dragon with three heads perched on long necks. As I arrived to collect samples, I could have sworn one of its eyes turned to stare at me.

Expedition Log #1008: The samples confirm it, they are one and the same. For the lack of a better name, we have dubbed the creature Monster Zero. However, any drilling into the ice has proved futile… There have been suggestions to try to detonate the ice, therefore freeing the creature.

Expedition Log #1013: We made a mistake… You will not hear from me again… *static*

END LOG

EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND GET DOWN ON THE GROUND! I don’t want to hear a single word from anyone and there will be no moving under my watch. (points gun around the room before pointing it at the person behind the counter and walking up to them) Give me all the money you have, N O W. . . (pauses and coughs) Please and thank you. (banker runs off and Alex turns to the side to face a random person with a smile)

How was that? Do you think I sounded threatening enough? … I did? Oh thank goodness! I spent weeks practicing. I watched so many bank robbery movies for this, you have no idea. Whew ok! (clears throat and says in a deep voice) On the count of three, I want everyone to SLOWLY drop their wallets on the ground and press their backs against the wall, alright?

One… two… (someone laughs) … I’m sorry but I am TRYING to perform a ROBBERY here so what exactly is so FUNNY? HUH? Do you think I’m a joke or something? Because I’ll have you know right now that I am most definitely not. Like, can you not see (waves gun in the air) the gun in my hand right now? (Alex accidentally pulls the trigger, flinching at the noise as everyone else screams) HOLY MOTHER OF– I did not know that was possible. (laughs awkwardly and sets the gun to the side, kicking it away. Alex turns to see police barging through the front doors)

Alright, alright, who called the cops? C’mon, now I’m sure this all a big misun– Hey, hey whoa! Chill! Wait, are those real? (frightened, Alex puts arms in the air, smiling nervously) Uh, h-hey guys, how about we put the tasers away, yeah? Talk this through like civilized people if you know what I mean. N-now listen, before we jump to any crazy accusations, I’m not a real robber! In fact, this was all just method acting! You see, I have this really big audition coming up soon and I really want this part because like, it could be my big break in the industry, y’know? SO why stop at just reciting lines when I could BE the character? I’m sure you all know repetition of lines can only get you so far an– … Oh, the money? Look, I’m not stealing it. Yes, I’m taking cash without permission buuuuuuut, it’s not stealing if I just return it later, right? It…still is? (laughs before running away from the scene)

Rapunzel: I know that I was trapped in a tower for basically 18 years, and I was bored out of my mind. However, after living in “the real world", I am starting to wonder when will my life begin – to be easy.

It turns out that most things I did while oblivious to the real world are considered weird or gross. For example: falling in love with someone 8 years older than me, talking to a chameleon constantly, painting on walls, running around with bare feet, singing randomly, HAVING MAGIC HAIR THAT GLOWS WHEN I SING…I could just keep going.

It also turns out, being a princess isn’t as easy as it looks. You might assume that I just sit there with my tiara (which Eugene did give back), and do nothing, but as it turns out, having been missing for 18 years isn’t all that it's cut out to be. The number of interviews and police reports I have had to do is astounding. And then there is the whole dilemma about my family being complete strangers. I mean, sure, I look like them and I've been unknowingly painting our family crest for my whole life, but you can’t force family.

Also, when Mother Gothel said she knew best, she wasn’t entirely wrong. The number of weirdo ruffians and thugs who have decided to talk to me for no apparent reason is insane. Shouldn’t people know I'm with Eugene!?

They must at least know that I'm the princess. They all just assume that, since I've been in a tower for 18 years, I'm gullible and naïve! I would like to say that I'm not, but we all saw how easily I was swayed over with the promise of cute ducklings.

You may not know this, but not all ruffians and thugs have dreams. Some are just weird and drink too much - enough, so that if one of my floating lanterns touched them, they’d catch on fire. And then even through the flames they would say some weird thing like “ is this a real fire, or are you just that smokin’?” Most of the time, I don’t know whether to laugh, cringe, barf, or call Eugene to bring Max and come get me.

The royal guards won’t let me carry my frying pan anymore after the last guy that went a little too far. He definitely ended up seeing some lights… So now it's just Pascal and me trying to ward off these weirdos. But Pascal is not as useful as my frying pan.

In 2018, I was selected to become the new face of Canada’s ten-dollar bill. I beat many iconic Canadian women, who had all done important things to better our country because I had successfully brought courage and dignity, and equality to the black community in Canada.

It turns out, I became a role model for nothing.

100 years ago, I had to go through a lot of obstacles to study at the Field Beauty Culture School in Montreal, one of the few such institutions in Canada at the time that accepted black applicants. I can’t believe there’s still a 13.9% difference between the university graduation percentage of black Canadian women and that of all Canadian women!

100 years ago, no one cared when I started and expanded my own beauty business in Halifax. I always look forward to every February, when many black Canadian women like Kathleen Newman-Bremang, a black Canadian writer, broadcaster, and journalist, are invited to talk about their story of success during Black History Month. I just can’t believe the other 11 months barely mention them at all!

100 years ago, I had to put in special effort to support the employment of young black women in Canada. Today, black women are a common sight in the Canadian workforce, but I can’t believe that on average, black women still earn less than white men, only 59 cents for every dollar. Oh well, money is never the most important thing in life anyway.

100 years ago, I was not allowed to sit in the main seating area at the Roseland Theatre because of my skin color. Today, black people are free to go anywhere they want, but I can’t believe that 51% of the black community still claims that they have experienced discrimination in stores, banks, or restaurants. What huge progress!

100 years ago, I was forcibly removed from the Roseland Theatre and got my hip injured when arrested by the police. I can’t believe that black Torontonians are still 20 times more likely to be shot and killed by the Canadian police compared to the city’s white residents and that black Canadians are 50% more likely to be taken to a police station for processing after arrest, 100% more likely to be held overnight, and charged more than other Canadian groups.

100 years ago, the black Nova Scotians were inspired by my conviction case to stand up for themselves and fight to be treated as equal human beings. Today, I can’t believe that “83% of black people in Canada [still] say they are treated unfairly at least some of the time” because what matters most is a 2019 survey that indicates that nearly half of Canadians believe discrimination against black people is “no longer a problem”.